Al Gore has a penis!

Poor Al Gore. One day you're running for president and seeking advice from Team Castration on how to not come across as a pussy, the next day it looks like the walls are caving in because you cast aside your only evident virtue and dragged your manmeat on board the short bus to Loopyville. The conspiracy-minded might even sense that this all comes to light by way of a cold breeze from Chicago - even a paunchy prize-winner isn't untouchable after dissing The Won, after all.

I couldn't care less if the Goracle is putting his wooden unit in Tipper Jesus or a toothless crack whore, but the mere idea of dining on Larry David's leftovers calls for 50 freakin' gallons of brain bleach. Immediately. The only thing pink in Laurie David is her political sentiments.

Better yet is Prince Albert's alleged foray into the land of the lecherous.

The woman later contacted police in January 2009 and gave a statement, saying she was called to Gore's hotel room at around 10:30 p.m. on October 24, 2006 to provide a massage. While doing requested work on his abdominals, the woman claims Gore pushed her hand to his groin area and later tried to have sex with her.

In her statement to police, the alleged victim calls Gore 'a crazed sex poodle,' She says she was intimidated by his 'rotund' shape, and that he had a 'violent temper, dictatorial, commanding attitude.'

Even if it's pure fiction this is still a masterwork of hilarity. Keep doing your thing dawg [poodle]. The women of the world must not be denied your manhood even if you must force it on them, so share your flop sweat and your bloated, rippling carcass wherever your little jet takes you. Hump some wind turbines and other inanimate objects as well. Whatever distracts you from your work as an eco-huckster is mighty fine with me.

Selling Obamacare

While polls continue to show that this gigantic shit sandwich of government that the left force-fed America is unpopular, I was somewhat impressed when I caught a glimpse of the ad campaign they're launching to improve their fortunes. Get people used to the idea of nanny government taking care of them so that by the time the vice grip renders them immobile they'll be grateful for the indignity. I like the IKEA-like names for every item on their healthcare menu. And why not honor the pillars of democracy who saw this thing through? They sure as hell weren't gonna call a government tampon the ELGÅ.

The Coffee Party. Don't laugh. It's real.

It isn't easy to parody progressives. In light of the visibility of the Tea Party movement, leftivists apparently determined that a steady stream of dishonest prattle and demonization was insufficient. So they've taken to the rather transparent and unimaginative act of trying to imitate it. The Coffee Party - how clever! - is a nice little bit of astroturfing which the media immediately lapped up like the two dollar whores that they are. But as Legal insurrection and other blogs have noted, it is a complete and utter fraud which epitomizes the lack of self-awareness and insularity of leftists.

One, their organizing principle is to set themselves apart from the Tea Party by positioning themselves as different (read: civil and "inclusive"). And that is, you know, a narrative about the Tea Party which they manufactured to begin with. How very postmodern of them. And two, in spite of their phony mission statement these idiots proceed while fully embodying their characterization of the right. After spending eight years poisoning political discourse beyond repair in this country, to be posturing as wounded kittehs when faced with push back against their still unabated, overheated rhetoric is just bizarre.

As fond as I've become of making up words online, I'm at a loss for one which would boil down the left's penchant for being fascists and pussies simultaneously. Fagcists? Not one in a hundred proggies would understand that these coffeehouse flyers I made up are mocking them. They're simply creeps living in their own alternate reality.

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One and done.

I figured that for all the time I spend disparaging this jug-eared creep the least I could do is utilize my advertising skillz to help Obama get a new job come 2012. A guerilla campaign to get him a position for which he's well-suited seemed the way to go. The only question was whether that would be building shacks with Jimmy Carter or manning the deep fryer at a moderately priced restaurant with a multicultural menu. I opted for the latter because the thought of a roof collapsing on some poor unwitting family who then has to hear this guy prattle on about how it's not his fault because he inherited the wood and nails from Home Depot just makes me physically sick.

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Snicker.

I love the pinko public option ad that some group just released. The quote isn't from Jefferson, for starters. Then there's the creepy notion that Washington is the beating heart of America from which life is sustained. If we were dealing with normal people I'd say that someone must have been beaten into a coma with an idiot stick to think this ad is anything but vapidness defined. But it isn't about persuasion with moonbats, it's a love note to themselves. A proclamation of their moral superiority. It serves about the same purpose as chanting in papier mache masks while some douchebag bangs a drum. The image is quite arresting, so I couldn't resist immediately whipping out a quick parody ad of my own which puts it to more appropriate use. [Note: Someone else had the same basic idea. This Cthulhu critter seems even more fitting.]

Andi Sullivan is coo coo.

Another Trigtastic day in the slow-motion train wreck life of Andrew Sullivan. It's uncanny how the right is held to account for every big-belt-buckled whack job who slithers out of a trailer park while most of the unhinged behavior on the left emanates from the cozy confines of respectable society. It really speaks to the bankruptcy of the left and renders Sullivan's slide in that direction all the more, I dunno, bizarre.

Ads for Obama

Ads for Obama: part one

As I mentioned in a previous post, I've truly been "moved" by the imagery people have created on behalf of the Obamessiah. I've also been impressed by the campaign's ability to avoid any real questions about his background, experience, accomplishments or icky radical associations. Not only has the mainstream media assiduously avoided any critical analysis but they've turned the knob to "11" with regard to enabling the dissemination of dirt and lies about the Hillary Clinton and, subsequently, McCain/Palin campaigns.

You combine the imagery, gassy "change" rhetoric, astroturfing, compliant media and information control and you really do get a new kind of campaign. The media has swallowed the Kool-Aid, his true believers sure as hell have and now its all about the business of rounding up people who would only vote for him if they remain in the dark. Now that I fully understand his message, here's the first of several ads I'll do on his behalf: