Thursday, October 30, 2008

Barack Obama's infomercial

The compelling tale of a minority who spent his early childhood in Asia, came to the states and one day hit the big time in white racist America. Watch him inspire you with his promise of prosperity for everyone. Let him show you how to make it, just like he did!

Alright, so I didn't watch hopey changey's infomercial because I was busy braiding my nose hair and baking a Bundt cake last night. Though I'm sure The One talked about how George Bush eats babies and John McCain scoops out the entrails to put in his new sausage blend featuring Alaskan endangered species meat shot by Caribou Barbie. And he no doubt said that, uh, um, uh Haitian dirt pies are a Scooby Snack compared to what the poor subsisted on here for the last eight years.

What next? Oh, a little sumpthin sumpthin bout how ol' geezer slacks personally deregulated banks and told them to give mortgages to people who use pre-paid cellphones and how that shows the free-market has failed. That undoubtedly lead to more talk about his newfangled trickle-up economics where giving people who don't work more money makes bodega owners fat and sassy on Virgin Mary candle sales which they in turn will use to invent new empanada fillings that will result in the creation millions of new jobs.

Then he prolly mentioned how he'll shoot lightning bolts out of his ass and roll back the mighty oceans while he plays Jedi Mind Tricks on Mother Nature so that she'll blow so damned hard that wind farms will not only produce all our electricity but eliminate the need for fossil fuels, plastics, Fox News, suburbs, PG movies, professional bass fishermen and paranoid Israeli Jews who think Muslims are trying to kill them.

And then he's gonna invade Pakistan because, you know, he's not a pussy or a member of the international left just because he seems like one.

I like Tom Vu's infomercial much better. Tom's theme: Quit your bitching, get off your ass, work hard, make money, buy a boat and get laid.

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